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I long to feel the burning sky
ignite my dim and faded eyes.
I long for crimson cloud's caress
to light a spark upon my breath,
and wrap it's fire about my heels;
I long to feel.

'til ash becomes of embers bright
I long to lie within the light
and dance amidst it's dying heat,
this sky, this sun, my one retreat.
'til morning, I'll pretend it's real;
I long to feel.
'Short Rondel' - another extension of the Rondeau family.
I've been working on this for a long time, and it still needs work. I'm particularly unsure of the second to last line...and the entire last stanza now that I think about it. Critique welcome. :)

EDIT

changed the 4th line in the first stanza and the 3rd and 4th line in the second stanza. I'm a little happier with it, but I'm not sure if it's quite done yet.

EDIT 2.0
Hooray, my second Daily Lit Deviation! Thanks a million to =DailyLitDeviations and to the always wonderful =dreamsinstatic :)
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:icondeinktvis:
deinktvis Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2010  Student Writer
a new :+fav: thanks to making your feature:)
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2010   Photographer
:love:
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:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:w00t: a DLD
Very nice, your hard work rewarded. :heart:
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2010   Photographer
:love:
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:iconms-ginny-snape:
Ms-Ginny-Snape Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2010   Writer
This is wonderfully written. It flows so smooth. I love this. I'm glad it's a DD.
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2010   Photographer
Thanks a million, and thanks bunches for the favorite as well! :love:
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2010
:clap: Congratulations on the DLD for this piece!
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2010   Photographer
Thanks! :woohoo:
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:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2010
:giggle:
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:iconhopeannfaith:
Hopeannfaith Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2010
Congrats! Beautiful...worthy of earning the DLD :woohoo: y' go girl. :woohoo:
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2010   Photographer
Thanks so much, and thanks a million for the favorite! :love:
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2010
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here: [link]

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2010   Photographer
Hooray, thanks so much! :D
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2010
It was our pleasure :)
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:iconstarfreedom:
StarFreedom Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I love the changes you've made here hun. It works very well, and the flow seems greatly improved. ^.^

:hug: and keep writing!!
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2010   Photographer
Thanks a million! :glomp:
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:iconstarfreedom:
StarFreedom Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem Hun!! It is my pleasure!! ^.^
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:iconspace-gazer:
Space-Gazer Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2010   Writer
What a beautifully vivid poem! The flow is unrelentingly smooth, without out at all affecting the placements of the words, all of which feel perfectly fitted.
I don't see any unsatisfatory parts, but I guess the composer's paranoia always finds something to pull apart!
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2010   Photographer
Such kind words, thank you so so much! :blush:
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:iconsabeewabeewoo:
sabeewabeewoo Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2010
Love the flow and thoughts!
Great work! :)
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2010   Photographer
Thanks very much :bow:
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:iconsabeewabeewoo:
sabeewabeewoo Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2010
You're welcome. ^^
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:iconkersee9:
kersee9 Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2010  Professional Writer
low key rhyming and beautiful, flowing words. i love it! definitely a fav! :)
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2010   Photographer
thanks a ton! :hug:
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:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Mmm Hmm...
I'm feeling it now. :love:
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2010   Photographer
yay, thanks! And thanks for the suggestions, really helped me while editing this piece :)
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:iconrlkirkland:
rlkirkland Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Quite welcome you are Yoda speak :)
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2010   Photographer
hahaha :XD:
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:iconkasblue:
kasblue Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2010
not sure if its quite done yet?? IT ISSS!! but then again, u know better.
beautiful meanings and imagery all usual! pretty powerful stuff. how much time do you give to a poem? like, once u write it, u go back and forth till u'r satisfied. how do you tell its done?
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2010   Photographer
haha, thanks :)

It really depends. A lot of the time poems take forever to get done because I'll set them aside and forget about them for a while, then come back to them and look them over again to see if there are any changes I want to make. Sometimes they get finished really quickly though, especially with good criticism. And sometimes (VERY rarely) they're finished on the first try. :o
I'm not sure exactly how you tell when they're done. I guess you kind of just know.
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:iconkasblue:
kasblue Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2010
oh... sorry... a mistake... that's "beautiful meanings and imagery AS usual"
:P
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:iconstargirl87:
Stargirl87 Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2010
Wonderful work. Always a pleasure to read from you.
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2010   Photographer
Thanks, always a pleasure to hear your kind words. Really brightens my day :) :hug:
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:iconstarfreedom:
StarFreedom Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
That's beautiful!! I've written a few poems, but I'm not much of a 'form' writer. I do understand what it's like to not be happy with a particular part of something though, and KNOW it could be better somehow. You do beautiful writing though, and I like this one very much. :hug:
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010   Photographer
Thanks so much, I really really appreciate the kind comments! Thanks a million for the watch as well! :) :hug:
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:iconstarfreedom:
StarFreedom Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
You're very welcome!! I really like your style. :hug:
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:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2010
I love the rhyme here, it is so subtly executed you do not feel distracted by it nor does it attribute that sing song quality. It is sophisticated in its structure and expression. A truly beautiful piece full of lush language and delicate emotion.
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2010   Photographer
:blush: Thanks so much! Hearing that from you means a lot! :)
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:iconnymphoproblematic:
nymphoproblematic Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2010
I think it's perfect as it is.
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2010   Photographer
:blush: thanks :)
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:iconhopeannfaith:
Hopeannfaith Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2010
....awesome.

'til morning's embrace with kiss it seals.

(please forgive the intrusion of your poem,that is where my heart went with the next to the last line in the 2nd stanza. I don't know how that fits the form.)

I agree with the romantic dream feel of this beautiful picture...I can see it.

Blessings :floating:
Andrea
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2010   Photographer
Thanks so much!
Hmm...that's an interesting concept. I'm going to be changing around the second stanza a little, so if that line or some kind of alteration of that line fits after I change it up I'll give it a try. :)
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:iconhopeannfaith:
Hopeannfaith Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2010
It is actually moving the way it stands. I have read it a few times. Sometimes we are our own worse critics...just sayin' :)
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:icontimeraider:
timeraider Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
I like the contrast and repetition here. I don't have any major problems with it.
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2010   Photographer
Thank you :)
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:iconkj-illustration:
KJ-Illustration Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
I love the flow in this, Carly :heart: Wonderful read :]
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2010   Photographer
Thanks so much! Glad to hear it, it took me a month to finally get something I was happy with out of this concept XD
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:iconkj-illustration:
KJ-Illustration Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2010  Professional Digital Artist
You were very welcome, hon :]
I know how that feels very well, and I'm glad you came out of it this beautifully :heart:
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:iconjusticelord974:
JusticeLord974 Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009
I really like this!

If you do wish to change the second to last line, I do have a suggestion. In the last stanza you use within a lot, "within the light, within a dying sun, within the fire. I think of a dreaming when I read the second to last so maybe to keep consistent you could say "within a dream...." or something along those lines.

Just one idea though.
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:iconrawpoetry:
RawPoetry Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009   Photographer
hm..interesting idea. I'll mess around with that a bit. Thanks very much! :D
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